April Mind Showers May Lead to More

 

Sometimes, I feel like certain aspects of my current state reinforce my depression and anxiety. 

 

  • I internalized so much animosity and frustration that it built up and (almost) destroyed me. 

 

I guess I got caught up in my own negative emotions to the point where I thought the purpose of life itself was for it to force me to end mine. What sort of just clicked in my 26th year is that looking back, I’ve grown older, wiser, smarter, and generally into a better version of my younger self. As 27 approaches, I wonder what’s in store.

People might have been assholes to me once upon a time, and if they’re still assholes then that’s probably due to something that ultimately boils down to their mental health and I will no longer allow it to phase me because deep down they need their own form of help. This is why we need to be kind to each other. This is why we need empathy. This is how we can start a new chapter for civilization. Because we all do better when we all do better

I strive to be a spark of positivity everywhere I go because I think the world needs more light. More life. More balance. More care. More fun. And more love. We can’t allow the manufactured concepts of dollars and cents interfere with our actual dollars and sense. We also can’t become paralyzed and scorn from our frustrations. Why? Because we’re all in this together. And a rising tide lifts all ships.

We need to go back to the basics and take fixing the world one step at a time. Step one is to be kinder to yourself, step two is to be kinder to your fellow humans. Let the rest unfold from there.

My favorite quote as of late is even listed on my consulting page because that’s just how important I think it is. If everyone could remember and act upon this, we would be able to create so much good.

Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world.
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.
— Rumi

 

I think when I was younger I had really bad social anxiety, but at the time, I didn’t know how to articulate the way I was feeling and it was before mental health was conversation commonplace. I figured I was just defective as I tripped and stumbled while growing up. I figured I was just a shit person who. I figured I would never be enough. And I told myself that through most all of my youth. Oddly enough though, I do remember a magical time in third grade where I believed I could be the president of the united states. Sometime later that year I remember getting in trouble for writing “I hate Megan.” over and over again on a sheet of paper before crumpling it up and throwing it in the trash. Naturally, Megan’s friend went and fished it out of the trash and showed our teacher who thought it would be cool to call my parents about it and arrange a meeting. Oh, what a time to be alive. I think that was a big benchmark for the beginning of my decline in confidence and even self.

I became timid and scared on the inside.

I joked to cope and distract myself and others from the pain I was feeling deep within my soul.

Anyone who knows me IRL probably won’t believe me when I say these things, but I think I developed myself into a forced extrovert as a survival mechanism.

In middle school, these horrible feelings heightened because I was legitimately scared of going to school.

Scared of being myself at school.

Scared of being who people wanted me to be, too.

Scared of conforming. Scared of not conforming.

I just never felt like I truly belonged quite anywhere.

And I’ll let you in on a little secret, that’s a feeling that tends to stick for the long haul.

I’m overcoming these things and you can too, I’m just acknowledging that it hurts.

People made fun of me.

People threatened me.

People bullied me.

And it sucked.

From there into high school it was just more things to worry about and and generally more of the same. I was growing more resilient as I allowed overused insults to bounce off of my ears, only stinging upon initial impact while silently absorbing the shock and force that whittled away at my spirit.

”You’re an Oreo.”

”Why do you talk white?”

”You can’t wear Aeropostale.”

”You look so dark, we should call you ‘darkie’.”

”…or maybe shadow.”

The thing that probably scarred me the most was when three mixed race girls made fun of me for wearing a bright yellow tshirt during gym class. That was the day when I started to play the toxic inner mantra in my mind because I believed it all to be true. To be 12 and chastized for wearing your favorite color one time in PE class. All of this really threw me off and was ultimately, I think this sort of stuff is what ultimately led to my ups and downs with anxiety and depression. The seeds were planted young.

My identity was consistently in limbo because I wasn’t black enough for the black kids or white enough for the white kids and both sides were sure to let me hear it. I also was conveniently not African enough for the African kids either, because I was a “first-generation American, valley sounding type of something or other…” People called me “Blackie” (specifically one asshole who’s name I will never forget, hey Sherwin Logan, remember me?) and it was literally jarring. (Did I mention this person in particular actually had a darker complexion than mine? Funny how we all sort of hate ourselves in some way, shape or form.)

Why does this world raise us to hate? Why is war a viable solution?

I literally even became afraid of the sun because I was nervous that if I got even darker, the bullying would only intensify.

The thing about it though is I’m no longer allowing all of this to discourage me. Or keep me in a negative head space. It’s 2019, and I’m not going to be my own biggest bully anymore because I know that what I need to be healthy is to love myself. Going through so much hurt has taught me a lot in the end, so I guess this is why they say haters keep me motivated. I’m trying to be mindful of what helps me when I’m feeling low to actively work on lifting myself up when I feel a plummet coming on. I feel it is my duty to share my light here just in case it helps because I know I appreciated finding light from others when I was feeling lost myself.

I think we all think that we’re the only ones who feel the way we do.

the irony