Grow Through What You Go Through

As a little kid, I was always all about the next next next thing. Inevitably, I’d start the next thing and find myself discouraged and/or hating it 5 minutes in.

Rinse, lather, repeat.

This has been the cycle my life has been on for 25 out of 26 years mostly subconsciously. Whether it was elementary to junior to senior high, high school to college to career and so on, I would always find myself super frustrated about my current situation while only looking ahead into the far future as the way there would be a solution. It wasn’t until recently that I’ve really recognized it’s all up to me, my mindset & Irene to choose how I allow different circumstances to impact me. And the brain spark really popped off was when I realized that I needed to start living in the present instead of anticipating all of the possible outcomes the future may or may not actually even hold.

It honestly wasn’t until earlier this year that I started waking up; really shaking off my autopilot alternative self (aka matrix vibes) to ponder the meaning of life and my greater purpose. During this time, I became boldly aware that I had survived about a quarter of my life in anticipation of something… the perfect life to magically cascade down from the heavens? Newsflash to self: that is by no means what-so-fucking ever how it actually works, ever. In fact, we would all be better off setting realistic life expectations for the sake of resilience if nothing else because setting ourselves up for failure is beginning to get old. I am realizing that in many ways, my tendency to procrastinate has always been a lot like my subconscious approach to life… I’ll live it for real later. *yawns, bored while living the life she once dreamt of*

The off and on trend I notice in myself boils down to some weird and unattainable standard I try and hold myself to. All too often, this leads me to convince myself that I must have lost “ALL” of my ambition because I took ONE night off from working late, writing, or doing other *fancy* stuff. REAL SLACKER, ASHLEY! Why don’t you go do something? And so on…

Why do we do this to ourselves when adulting is already damn-well taxing enough? Rest is the new hustle, my friends. Inner peace is where it’s at.

Beyond that, I feel like I can relate with people when I try to remember that we’re all just doing our best at this whole being alive thing. I also try and remind myself of how much time I spend being hard on myself when all I really need is a quick moment of mindfulness and affirmation to disrupt the downward spiral from consuming me again.

Sometimes I wonder if everyone is just as high-functioning and suicidal as I am. I’m not sure knowing the answer to that would make me feel better or worse. What a time to be alive, am I right?

The world is an interesting place and it makes me feel a million types of ways the more I try and comprehend it. There’s such an unfortunate amount of hate in this world cemented into the veins of those who sit on far opposite ends of the spectrum (any spectrum). It’s like trying to look directly at the sun to try to see the sun itself. Basically impossible, but achievable enough in theory that we try. You could easily go blind and/or burn your eyes out trying and if you do succeed, others haven’t seen it for themselves to believe you.

In the end, this type of thinking ends up being my Achilles heel. I enjoy diving deep into thought to understand things that most people tend overlook, but I’m realizing that sometimes I need to overlook some things (particularly bullshit things) otherwise that bullshit will ultimately weigh me down beyond what it’s worth; leading me to plummet again. Double-edged sword? In a way.

Navigating this lava tag/life spin-off without getting burned has been harder than I anticipated. And it makes time pass very quickly. In somewhat of a sad sort of way.

I’m definitely still learning what is and isn’t lava, but even when I lose sight of the bigger picture, I know that returning to the mantra of taking each moment one step at a time will carry me long enough to see forward when I’m not sure of what is “supposed to be” ahead.

Ashley OchiaghaComment